I had a male client communicate to me today: “she’s so hard. I want her to be softer. It pisses me off when she is so hard. What do I do? I keep telling her that I need her to be softer and surrendered in her femininity, but nothing is changing.”
You NEED her to be?
Slow up brother!
“Firstly, you being annoyed by her “hardness” as you put it, is only going to support more hardness.” I replied. There is nothing safe in your reactive judgment towards her current state of being. It says far more about you, than her in this moment. But also, I feel your pain!
Lets break it down.
A man who demands she be somewhere other than where she is at currently, is a man who is steering her further away from her expressive freedom and bliss. This is a man who does not know. He is shutting her down.
But, its not his fault. There is not much assistance out in society for us as men, when it comes to relating with women in a healthy/supportive/polarizing/passionate way.
A man who DOES know, understands that whatever his woman is experiencing, is just another ingredient in the “making” of love. Through his non-judgmental presence, he assists her in transmuting whatever emotions/trauma are seeking to clear - If he wants to.
If he doesn’t want to, its best to leave her alone.
Whats important to realize, is that she he is already “soft” by nature. Minus the fear, distrust, trauma patterns and overstimulated nervous-systems, we all are.
If she is not willing to be receptive with you, there are parts of your being which she does not fully trust or feel safe with. (OR, she is deep in traumatic projecting, and it has nothing to do with you. She is so dis-regulated from past experiences, that she cannot find safety even within her own body.)
An emotionally reactive and unclear man, is felt as a weak & untrustworthy man. Because he is.
You don’t have to like it.
It simply is what it is.
I should know.
Before arriving to my own work, I was deeply untrustworthy in my confusion and reactivity. Which led me to be grossly manipulative in my unhappiness. This is a pattern I see collectively though the immature masculine.
FOR HER VULNERABILITY:
You see, even if her mind wants to trust you, her body will never feel safe enough to fully open in your company; if you are unsafe. It will brace in your presence. There will be an energetic cocooning as a form of protection. Not because you are a bad man, but because there are too many parts of you which are unclear, uncertain, distracted and dispersive. This is unsafe for her on every level of love, surrender, and ravished-fuck.
Men, you must realize to some degree what it means for her to be in a place of deep softness and receptivity with you. For you, it turns you on. For her, it’s risking life.
Many times when I bring this up…men will laugh it up, and claim I am over-exaggerating. This lack of empathetic understanding will be clearly mirrored in his life with women.
Deep physical & emotional intimacy calls on her to let go of control, which she has been forced to barricade up around herself, based on her past experiences with immature males - who said one thing, but went and done another.
This is what you are asking when you request for her to “surrender” more. You are inviting her into absolute exposure.
Based on your intentions and integrity, do you deserve her absolute exposure in this moment?
Her absolute vulnerability is a privilege.
Any humans vulnerability is a privilege.
You are also wanting to literally insert a part of your erect body up inside of hers, in a way which allows you to have full control over how you move inside of her, in the most sensitive & receptive area of her entire physicality.
On top of this, there is also the possibility of a new life being created. Which means her entire experience of life changes, and she is essentially tied to you through another human for the remainder of her time here.
Is he trustworthy? Can I rely on him? Is he mature enough to be a father? Will he be there for me and our child? Does he have a vision? Will he disappear and leave me? - Just some possible questions which may arise within her experience of being receptive to you. These question may arise upon first laying eyes on you - physical intimacy need not even be involved for these thought patters to begin arising.
So many women spend their intimate lives being poked, drilled, pounded, mounted and consumed s€xually - in a disconnected way. Where the man she is with is not actually present in his body with her. He is just doing her, to cum.
Again, not because us men are big bad predatory wolves, but because as young boys we were not given intelligent and empowering information around s€x & relating. We were given perverted and shameful information, by a perverted and shameful society.
We then went out into the world and seeded this perversion in the wombs & bodies of women. And because her very nature is receptivity, she then has to carry around years of mishandling inside the tissues of her vagina, cervix, womb, breasts and throat.
When women come to me for energy sessions, the amount of pain and perversion her body has been subjected to, becomes very apparent, as she opens, vibrates, and unravels. Everything spills out into the room. In many instances it can look like some kind of exorcism.
Its as if she’s been held captive inside of a tiny part of her body, afraid to feel or exist within her totality.
In a society which champions emotional numbness as “strength”, the only remaining option she has, is to dissociate from the inner aching & shut-down her powerfully intuitive felt-sense; for fear of it being exposed as weakness.
Even in love-making, most women(not all) have learned the importance of bracing; incase he unawarely thrusts at the wrong angle, causing pain. Because of this, she’s never truly being able to exhale and feel the exquisite subtitles which arise from connected & embodied intimacy.
…and please, dont get me wrong here. When I speak of embodied intimacy, im not referring to tickling your partner with a feather under the moonlit sky until she “arrives”, followed by a curtsey.
Im talking about sweaty, deep, primally driven, passion drenched fuck - but supported by a foundation of deeply attuned sensitivity and care towards the others wellbeing.
This foundational safety, allows the intensity of passion, orgasmicness, love & primality - to reach heights never touched upon before; back when distracted disconnection was driving the vehicle.
When both people are present; tuned-in to self and other, God gets to enter the room. Life, spirit, eros gets to fill the space.
So please do not confuse embodied s€x for some boring-ass flaccid form of un-pleasurable intimacy. Its more physically, energetically, & spiritually orgasmic than anything else we have access to in this life.
WELCOME HER CHALLENGE.
As a man, maybe you are naturally wanting to experience her receptivity towards you. Her willingness, longing & desire to invite you in; for her to bathe in oceans of vulnerability - A vulnerability which has been, many times before you; used against her. Disrespected, judged & dropped.
Based on all of this...why on earth would she trust a man who she hasn’t vetted repeatedly?
If as a man you would like to be stronger for woman, for yourself, for community; welcome challenge.
Welcome HER challenge.
Realize that she is pushing up against you, because she actually gives a damn about you. If she didn’t, she would never feel the need to test anything about you.
Once you have proven your character(to yourself) through stable consistency, and she has digested you viscerally, a deeper dropping into devotion and union can begin.
(To further clarify: A matured man will not feel these behaviours as "tests" or "challenges", as they will be so minuscule on the energetic scale of that which he is used to engaging with.
The concept of a women "testing him" is not something which he holds in his awareness.
Also, a woman who is around a mature man, wont even waste her time trying to test him, as his solidarity will be very clear from the get-go. The above sharing is more for "middle-ground" stages.)
We really need to see the beauty present in the opportunity to demonstrate our sharpness and strength, in all areas of life.
Welcome the challenging of your boundaries, so that you have the opportunity to show-up firm and clear in your sovereignty. One of the greatest gifts a woman can bring to a man, is through exposing the areas of his being which lack stability.
A powerful embodied woman really requires your boundaries and self-respect to be existing at the forefront of your being - At the forefront of the relationship. So that she has something stable & reliable to brush up against.
She may also require a necessary spanking from time to time, if she really gets out of line. Depending on her general level of “feist” of course.
In many cases, the insatiable feminine will purposefully do things to magnetize you into disciplining, activating & transmuting her to completion. This, is a whole other topic of conversation, which we can keep for a later date. But there is profound trust and turn-on which is built through healthy masculine discipline and order.
**Dear Internet humans, Im assuming you know the difference between spanking her, and beating her - and how the 1st is conducive to a passionate, playful, polarized relationship, while the latter…is clearly not.**
The below advice is written with the assumption that you have a deep love for this woman(women collectively), and you would like to know how to love her deeper, as it aligns with your integrity. NOT to get something in return from her.
HOW DO WE LOVE HER?:
By supporting and empowering her to be EXACTLY that which she has come here to be. Without conditioning, controlling, or imprisoning her. So she can come to understand & ooze her innate service to the planet.
- Claiming her, if you are choosing to be with her.
- Leading her with love and truth, in every moment it is required.
- Protecting her. Both physically, and energetically.
- Saying what you mean, and meaning what you say.
- Remaining diligent and disciplined in your own relationship to life & your mission. Without compromise.
- Calling her out/being real with her - holding her accountable.
We love her, by reminding her of the tremendous power she is, in any moment she happens to forget it, or falls victim to the disempowering social narratives of backwards womanhood.
To add to that - Making love/penetrating/fucking her as deeply and as profoundly as you can arrive to. Which will unveil & shift her experience of this life. As will her “opening” transform how you experience yours.
Learn to love her, especially in her “hardness”. Especially in her anger. Especially in her frustration. Especially in her tension. Especially in all the places she has been mishandled and traumatized. You need not viscerally like it, but through showing up and loving her when she is deep in it, we assist in transmuting the collective pain present in so many women, AND men.
If you don’t want to love her, and you have no interest in any of the above; there’s nothing wrong with that - But leave her alone.
She doesn’t need another half-assed version of undercooked love. None of us do. If you are going to be there, at least commit to it.
Finally, please understand that this is a nuanced process, which has its own flavor for each individual. This sharing is to offer some experiential information which I deem as valuable sign posts.
Please note that In everything I share, my individual mission comes through heavy, so I dont expect it to resonate for everybody at all times.
Perfection is never the goal, but I believe impeccable integrity ought to be, in whatever we do.
However you arrive to your way, is right on time. And it need not look like my or anybody else’s way.
Here’s hoping what I have shared today can be of some value as you walk the path of “what the fuck is going on down here?”, and support us all in having to carry around less numbness, and more ALIVENESS.
In love & service,
Bringing realness, clarity and deep truth to our mishandled human condition. Here to assist you in a REAL way, without the fluff. Pointing you to your magnificence. Relentlessly committed to being here, embodied.