In the past 2 years, I have had a new trend of men arriving to me, as self proclaimed porn addicts. You will find youtube videos and articles galore on this topic. Endless enforcement...
It lends itself as a beautiful excuse to continue indulging in behaviours and habits which are not of benefit to our lives.
This “porn-addict” epidemic seems to have sprouted up overnight, and in many ways I see the “NoFap” community being the main culprit in further supporting the “I am an addict” delusion.
In the work I do with men, I like to keep things very clear, simple, and accountable.
I had a man come to me 3 months ago, who was a medically diagnosed porn-addict for the last 1.5 years. It was ruining his life and health; he shared. He had been through 12 months of rehab therapy and different councillors. Yet there he was, still totally identified with being a porn-addict. Nothing had changed. They even tried to medicate him.
“Ive come to you as a last resort. How can I get over my addiction?” He asked.
“You are not a porn addict.” I exclaimed. “You don’t get to play that shit with me. You are a 25 year old man who adores bustin nuts like a squirrel. You love to cum. You love to play with your penis. You love images of the naked female form, and because of the internet you now have full-time access to all of that. It feels awesome. But lets face it, you feel pretty shit after it. Someone has taken your natural urge, and convinced you that you are sick because of it. You are not sick. You are normal. You are a young man with heaps of sex energy, accompanied by zero understanding of how to engage with it… and a WIFI connection. What on earth did you think was going to happen?.”
I saw his whole body unwind and relax with relief when I spoke these words to him. I saw his guilt, shame, and fatigue wash away in that instant. He brightened up and smiled. “OH. Yeah. Wow, I guess you’re right”, he replied.
“There is nothing wrong with you man. Don’t you dare let anybody convince you that you are broken - Its lazy.”
I did a 1 hour call with him. We stripped all his bullshit right back until he could see himself clearly. I invited him into uncompromising discipline, and to replace his porn-time with QiGong practice - in order to transmute the sexual energy, for use of a higher order in his life.
“Discipline is what you need. You need fuckin discipline. This is such a huge part of the initiatory process from boyhood, to manhood. A grown man, in his kingdom, has full domain over his sex. He cannot be manipulated, bought, or weakened by it. Instead, he commits himself to reverence and worship of this part of his being - He respects it. Therefore he is empowered by it. If you allow an internet connection control your manhood, imagine how everything else is going to go.”
He stopped watching porn, immediately. He doesn’t jerk off anymore, but he DOES self pleasure, consciously, without ejaculation, while learning about his own sexual energy, and how to ride that wave. It has brought up much emotion in him. It has forced him to rise up in love for himself. It has taught him how he functions..
He came to realise another reason he would binge on porn - because he lacked a feeling of connection with women in his life. He was starving for intimacy, love, and physical touch.
I encouraged him to begin expressing his natural desires in a connected way, when in the company of women he is inspired by. Now he has a partner.
It hasn’t been all rainbows and butterflies for him. He has had to face his social discomfort. He has had to feel just how much he didn’t feel safe in his own body and expression as a man. He has had nowhere to run. But then again, who the fuck wants to be a man willing to run away from what needs to be faced? I hope none of you. Its ok to breakdown and cry, once those teary eyes are still staring directly into what it is you are so afraid of.
Show up and face it. Let it hit you. Let it smash you. But do not turn away. Never turn away. Stay there, until your presence begins to transform it.
As men we must build a tremendous relationship with our willingness to show up and face it…directly.
In order to grow up in his life, he has had to put himself into life, and lean into all the tensions that arise with this. Avoiding the urge to tranquilize and neuter himself with porn.
There is no other way around initiation and internal development, I promise you. Everything else you have been told is a lie, to keep you immature and controllable.
I want to clarify; this post is not about convincing you how great I am as a mentor, because all I said was “grow-up and be disciplined so you can stand on this earth as an empowered accountable man” - So it is clearly not about my complicated coaching process.
I am sharing this post, in order to really show just how weakened we have become via language, words, and the way in which we allow the external define & label us - Tricking you into disempowerment.
We drink the Koolaid, and convince ourselves of all of our problems. We request for others who appear intelligent to reconfirm the diagnosis of our problems, or to fix us. We then place our personal responsibility at the side of the road, and walk away from it. We look to a system to save us. We become weaker and weaker. More irresponsible. More resentful. More victimised. Sicker. We train ourselves to avoid discomfort, tension and challenge at all costs. When these are the exact ingredients needed for growth.
Its easy to put the candy in your mouth when you have allowed somebody else tell you what an addicted fat mess you are. “Its true, the man in the white coat told me so. I may as-well eat the candy.” The man in the white coat hasn’t even managed to help himself yet. What on earth makes you assume he can help you?
You, are supremely powerful, when you take your consciousness back and apply deep cleaning to it. But it is not easy. It can be the most challenging thing you have ever had to face. But it is worth it.
I invite you.
Bringing realness, clarity and deep truth to our mishandled human condition. Here to assist you in a REAL way, without the fluff. Pointing you to your magnificence. Relentlessly committed to being here, embodied.